Is she a good baby?

Please allow me to vent a little...

Here's a list of questions you should never, ever ask a (new) mommy, as they are really none of your business, and will make me feel badly about myself simply because you asked.

1. Is she a good baby?
Really?  What do you expect will be my answer?  If I say 'yes, she's a great baby' that implies that I have everything together and she's been sleeping 'through the night' (whatever) since the day she was born.  It also implies that she never cries, spits up, or shits her pants all over the place.  However, if I say 'no, she's kind of a handful' that implies that I do not have it all together, and that this mommy thing is a little harder for me than everyone else.
I don't understand why EVERYONE (it seems) asks me this question. The only people who don't ask me this question are a) men (obviously), or b) women who either don't have kids, or haven't dealt with a newborn for the last 30 years.
Of course she's a good baby.  Is there any other kind?  When you're going through it, all you want to think about is how she'll be sleeping like a champ 'maybe tonight.'  So stop asking if she's 'good.'  Of course she is. She's perfect.  In every way.  And I dare you to challenge me on that.

2. Is she sleeping through the night yet?
First of all, it's not really any of your business how much sleep I'm getting (not much, actually... can you tell?)
The fact that you're asking means that I look like ass because I've been up all night with my infant.  If she was sleeping through the night, I wouldn't look like the walking dead, and I wouldn't be clutching the giant coffee cup filled with awake-inducing strong-ass coffee.
And, what does 'through the night' really mean? 5 hours? 6? 8?  With our first child, we had to wake her up to feed her... every three hours.  Until she was two months old.  Then, after the 'baby whisperer' Dr. Rice cleared us to let her sleep, she fell right into a 6, then 7, then 8, and finally a 12-hour night.  That's right.  My 18-mo-old sleeps 12 hours each night, and has since she was about 3 months old.  It's awesome.
This one, not so much.  We never had to wake her up to feed her, so she's not on much of a schedule yet (though I expect that to change very soon, with the addition of day care to our routine).  We have had a few 5-hour stretches, but nothing consistent yet.  We are praying that that changes as of Sunday night, as I have to go back to work on Monday (sad, sad face).

3.  Are you nursing her?
You really want to know about my boobs?  Cause you know that's where this conversation is going.  I always feel like I have to launch into an explanation when I tell people that she's bottle-fed, with formula.  But, I'm getting over it.  Just like my nipples finally healed, I have come to terms with the fact that these big ole boobies just weren't cut out to be a food-delivery system.  It's kind of nice that my husband (or the babysitter) can feed her without my having to feel like a cow hooked up to a milking machine first.  And I thank God every day that we live in a time and place where we have access to wonderful alternatives to breastfeeding, cause it just didn't work out for us.

4.  Are you ready to come back to work?
Um, no.
If I could be a SAHM for another year, I would.
Even if the answer was yes, I wouldn't tell you, because that would make me be the mom who wanted to get away from her children.  Now might be a good time to say that both of my kids are at the babysitter's today, just so I can (maybe) take a frigging nap or shower without company.  Anyway, no, I am not ready to go back to work yet.  Yes, I like my job.  Yes, I like my coworkers, even the middle-school ones.  Yes, I have a very easy commute.  It's not any of those things.  I just really like being able to stay in my jammies all day and drink coffee whenever I want.  I actually like doing laundry... it smells so good! (after it's done, of course)

5.  (about Lena, 18 months)  Have you started potty training?
I always want to say 'yes, but I'm really having a hard time pooping on the potty.'  nuff said.

6.  Wow, they're really close together... so, when are you going to have another one?  or, are you going to have more?
My children are 17 months apart.  And we like it that way.  The part about having more?  Nobody's business but mine and my husband's (and maybe the girls).

I have come to the conclusion that the (mostly) women who ask these questions really just want an opening to talk about their own experiences with their own children.  And honestly, I don't care.  If I want to know about your kids, I will ask.

Things it's always appropriate to say to a (new) mommy:
You look so skinny!  Or any version of this.
Your skin/hair/nails looks amazing!  Or any version of this.
Your girls are so sweet/adorable/well-behaved.  Or any version of this.
I don't know how you do it.  You are amazing.  Or any version of this.
Your house is so clean (clearly either flat-out lying or delusional or maybe blind).  But still a nice sentiment.
Let me help you with that (but only if you really mean it).
Can I get you a coffee? (but only if you really mean it and won't get annoyed with me for telling you my specific preferences)
Any sort of compliment is greatly appreciated, so just try to say something nice, and don't ask any stupid questions.

Thank you.
That is all.

For now.